Twins Trade Glen Perkins & Francisco Liriano In Exchange For Pitching Legends!

After the devastating news Tuesday of Joe Nathan's ligament damage, Twins General Manager Billy Smith had seen the usually bright and happy Twins spring training clubhouse transform into something akin to the apocalyptic cover of Led Zeppelin's "Houses Of The Holy" album.

                                   

In one corner of the room was Delmon Young, seen giving "How To Be Unfriendly With The Press" lessons to All American Joe Mauer, while Justin Morneau and Jim Thome were in another cold-cocking one another with their bats, tiffing over who gets to bat fourth this year. Thus, to turn the tide, Smith went out and procured two of the best available free agents still on the market - veteran right hander Charlie Brown of the Charlie Brown All-Stars, and the eccentric Nuke LaLoosh of the Durham Bulls. 

Brown, a soft-tosser best known for giving up a record 100 runs to a pickup team of girls in the 1969 movie "He's Your Dog Charlie Brown," is thought by Smith to be useful in a specialist relief role, to pitch to righthanded batters.  "You never know - guys like him, Bugs Bunny for instance, throw so slow that they can get cartoon hitters to swing and miss three times on one pitch, what with the pinwheeling effect. "

One concern Smith voiced is Brown's makeup, as he's historically demonstrated a lack of confidence in pressure situations, an attribute not appealing in relief pitchers.

Also, line drives hit up the middle have left him undressed,with tiny imaginary birds spinning about his head; the specter of Brown lying scantily clad on the mound, causing potential morals violations (not even getting into child labor issues), is a situation the Twins have never had to deal with. "But for American schoolchildren," Smith went on "he's been an iconic figure for almost three generations, and should be a draw for people to come out to Target Field this year!"

Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh, who threw nearly 100 MPH in the movie "Bull Durham," and wore bad leisure suits in the same,  is a character of another sort.  Best known for his off-beat attitude, he is thought to be the best closer candidate because of his brash approach.  Asked how he would have pitched to Alex Rodriguez with the bases loaded in the 2009 ALCS, he scoffed and said "[I'd] want to give him the heat and announce my presence with authority!

When told that Manager Ron Gardenhire is a "player's manager," one who likes to help his players stay relaxed so that they can perform well and have fun, he was overheard muttering "Have fun?  He's old, what does he know about fun?  I'm young...I know how to have fun.  I have a Porsche." 

Stay tuned...this should be an interesting year!

Meanwhile, equally brash and crybaby-ish lefthanders Glen Perkins and Francisco Liriano tearfully cleaned out there lockers, after vengefully loading the clubhouse clothes dryer with wet bubblegum (remember: they're lefties...EVIL!).  Perkins stalked about, ordering clubhouse boys to fill his satchel and carry it for him to the taxi.  Liriano went about Dazed and Confused(as is his norm).  GM Smith said "We're happy as can be to get rid er, provide them with a new venue to showcase their talent." And save on the clubhouse food budget, in the process!

Twinkler Out!